


Grave Conversations

by linxxyboy



Series: The Stakeout(s) [1]
Category: Inside No. 9 (TV)
Genre: Dialogue, Gen, Inside No.9 (S5 E6), Inside No.9 The Stakeout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-23 10:10:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23409895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linxxyboy/pseuds/linxxyboy
Summary: Tommo gets used to his new life as a vampire f.t a lot of conversation with Varney about vampiric lore.bc i love The Stakeout and there are not enough works in this fandom, plus i feel like vampire cops could be its own sitcom but go off
Series: The Stakeout(s) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683982
Kudos: 6





	Grave Conversations

**Author's Note:**

> my first time posting on this site so if anyone does read this (unlikely since theres only 6 inside no.9 works atm) please be nice <3
> 
> tried a different writing style to usual (lot more laid back and conversational) so hopefully it works you don't hate it 
> 
> enjoy my ramblings :D

Being a vampire wasn’t all bad, Tommo had decided after a couple of days of vampiring around a graveyard. Sure, he was a little put off when Dobbo had fucked off elsewhere, despite them now both being the same species and totally able to hang out for forever but who cares he certainly didn't.

Instead he spent his nights with Varney, able to mock his namesake even more now that he turned out to actually be a vampire. Varney never seemed all that annoyed by it and he was pretty good company so they got along well.

It did suck quite a bit that garlic was now off the table for Tommo, however he was on the verge of saying fuck it and buying as much of the shit as possible. If people could be lactose intolerant and still eat pizzas without a care in the world for their health then the same went for garlic as far as he was concerned.

Varney had warned that if Tommo did, he would be doing so well away from him, preferably a different country completely.

Tommo had also been a bit apprehensive about the whole blood drinking thing. He’d been on the other end of it when Varney had been gnawing away at his neck and it hadn’t been particularly pleasant. Not that he remembered much of it, just the sensation of sharp teeth and a gross wet tongue slurping away next to his face.

Varney’d admitted that blood drinking didn’t need to strictly happen and that most of the year he lived off coconut water, although it was still a good idea to do it every so often or else suffer a miserable time. Plus scare factor. Tommo had scoffed and called him out for having a flair for the dramatics which Varney hadn’t denied, just sulked about for an hour or so.

The thing that had really changed was police work. Vampires were technically nocturnal, but that worked in the same way that humans weren’t. Just cause it was the norm for vampires to be out and about at night, didn’t mean some didn’t decide to go out during the day. Tommo thought of it like a night shift, except now he was occasionally doing ‘day-shifts’. It hadn’t been difficult getting himself and Varney onto work they could do at night as few people in the police force were keen to do it. Plus, stakeouts weren’t that bad.

It was weird though, one moment being all human and then suddenly preferring to be doing stuff at night and sleeping whilst the sun was shining. Varney admitted he’d also found it a bit jarring, especially since back in his day he’d had to work during the day for a while before being able to slink off and find a vampire clan he could hang with.

Tommo had asked about Varney’s history and to his surprise he’d shared a little about his past. He’d been turned back in the 19th century, and as gothic literature became more and more popular, he’d decided to make his presence around England a little more well known. Once vampires became a big topic in Victorian society he’d gone a little wild with the blood drinking and the stereotypes but eventually it earned him the nickname Varney.  
Tommo’d spat out his coconut water at that. And not just because he was still getting used to taste of it.

“Your name isn’t Varney?” He’d asked, all incredulous like.

“Course not. More of a stage name if you like.”

“What is it then?”

“Everett.”

“Wow.”

Silence had fallen for a second or two.

“Very posh.”

“Piss off.”

Tommo hadn’t stopped chuckling, even when Varney, no Everett, told him it was actually associated with working class families or ‘factory people’, as the actual poshos referred to them sometimes.

“So when’d you actually get turned?”

“1840 I think. Born 1795. Would’ve been nice to have been turned in my 20s or something, could’ve stayed looking somewhat youthful but whatever.”

“How does the ageing thing work exactly? Like am I immortal now?”

Varney gave him a look.

“Oi, I’m new to all this. Plus it’s not like I got a chance to read up on all the vampiric lore before you turned me. I sure don’t remember consenting to it.”

“All right, Christ, calm down.”

Varney shifted closer to Tommo, pulling out a notebook.

“The fuck’d you get that from?”

“Doesn’t matter. I’ll explain this to you now but if you’ve got any other questions the answers are probably in here.”

“Oh what’s this then, an idiot’s guide to being a vampire.”

“If you like.”

“Sod off.”

“D’ya wanna listen or not?”

Tommo rolled his eyes but gave him the go ahead all the same.

“Okay first things first, vampires are sort of immortal in the eyes of humans. We have very long life spans and can live for at least a couple thousand years though usually more. Blood drinking is only really for food as a last resort type thing. As you might’ve noticed when you were human, I was eating ‘human’ food and not tearing into a sheep’s heart at a moments notice.”

“Think I’d remember if you were.”

“Anyway, blood drinking is usually done to help us look more youthful as it slows down the ageing process. We are still ageing, just very slowly. Turning is weird cause it kind of resets your life in a way, meaning that you as a vampire have just been born. So right now you’re only a week or so old.”

“You’re gonna mock me with this aren’t you.”

“No because I’m not childish.”

Tommo stuck his tongue out and pulled a face.

“Really proving your maturity here.”

“Oh piss off. Go on with your story.”

“As I said earlier, I went through a phase of extreme blood drinking which slowed my ageing down a lot and that’s partly why I don’t look much different than I did about 200 years ago.”

“Kind of expected vampires from the 19th century to be all confused by technology and still wearing ye olde clothing.”

Varney fixed him with a steely glare.

“I’m perfectly capable of moving with societal changes. Once you’ve lived through part of the industrial revolution you get pretty used to technological advances and so on.”

“Hmm. I guess so.”

They fell silent, nothing but the sound of wind whistling through trees and the occasional noise from a nearby animal. It was a little cliche of them to meet at the graveyard but it was a nice spot and they had a stakeout the following night so they figured they could watch the area off duty for a little while.

“That reminds me.” Tommo spoke up. “What do I do about my family or the life I’ve got right now? People are gonna notice if I’m not ageing.”

Varney shrugged.

“Not sure really. I was lucky I guess. My family were dead long before I was turned and when I was, I was able to just slip away quietly and find some others to live with.”

“What happened to them?”

“Hmm, couple died since then I think, they were pretty old after all. Some were abandoned cos they were drawing too much attention to themselves. That was nearly me but I managed to pull myself together. That’s when I started going veggie you see. Or flexitarian. Mostly people just come and go.”

“Like Dobbo?”

“Mhm.”

A fox barked somewhere from the undergrowth, which was followed by the quick patter of tiny paws hopping away. Rabbits probably.

“Does this mean you’ll be wanting shot of me?”

Varney smiled.

“Nah, you’re alright. I’ve never gone in for being the broody silent type, sitting in bars, bedding a woman, leaving dramatically with the moonlight shining down on me as I go off to the next town. The Twilight series was shit as well.”

“Hear hear.”

“Plus you’re not a bad cop.”

They clinked mugs of coconut water and leaned back to stare up at the moon.

“You ever miss being human?” Tommo asked quietly.

“A little. But it’s been so long I’ve sort of forgotten what it was like. I only spent a quarter or so of my life being human and then it was all fangs and avoiding garlic.”

“Now I think about it, what was that shit with the mirror? Cause mirrors aren’t backed with silver anymore and the rear view mirror in the car definitely isn’t.”

“Ah yeah, that was your mind playing tricks on you.”

Tommo scoffed. “You seriously think I’ll believe that?”

“It’s true,” Varney argued, “you were in a situation you’d never encountered or even thought you’d ever be in. Your body’s chemistry and very DNA was changing so you can probably forgive your brain from latching onto to one of the pieces of vampiric lore it knew and projecting it a bit.”

“Really?”

“Mhm.”

“Weird.”

Varney shrugged. “Not unusual, a couple of people I’ve fed on in the past saw similar things. Just depends where your thoughts go when something like that is happening.”

“You made a right mess. I mean c’mon. Blood all down your chin, smeared all over my neck, clothes, the whole shebang. Very cliche.”

“Sod off. Hard enough to drink outta a glass of it without the added challenge of it being someone’s neck.”

“Still, you’ve had two centuries of practise.”

“You’ll understand the struggle when you try it.”

Tommo pulled a face.

“No thanks. Although I was wondering, why’d you turn me? I’m guessing that doesn’t happen every time you feed on someone.”

“Turning is used just so the species doesn’t become extinct. Vampires don’t have to but it’s sort of expected that you’ll do it at least once in your life. A little more unusual to do two so close together. But I dunno. I turned DC Dobson because some others were getting a little antsy I hadn’t yet. And then I wanted a change in scenery so I decided why not be a cop for a bit and see what it’s like. Then I met you.”

“Fucking said I had no idea who you were. Christ, you made so many vampire jokes.”

“If you can’t have a bit of fun with it then what’s the point.”

“Go on then, why’d ya turn me too?”

“You’re good for a laugh. And I’ll admit I was kind of missing the taste of blood. DC Dobson’s wasn’t much to write home about and originally I was gonna use you to cleanse my palate in a sense but then there was a change in plans.”

Tommo snorted. “I’ll say, I wasn’t exactly expecting to wake up after thinking I’d kicked the bucket.”  
“Sorry.”

The sun was beginning to show over the tree line. Varney stood up and stretched out, bones popping with sickening sounds.

“God I’m tired.”

“With you there. Fucking shattered.”

“See you tonight then?”

“Actually would it be alright if I stayed over? Still not quite used to sleeping during the day, plus it’s Wednesday. Usually the busiest day at the butchers, fuck knows why.”

Varney rolled his eyes but nodded all the same.

“Sure whatever. But you seriously need to find a place not in the middle of the city ‘cos you snore.”

“Oi!” Tommo said, giving Varney a dig with his elbow. “No need to be cheeky. I have been looking but there’s not many places to go on the wage I get. It’s either shit city accommodation or I’m on the streets.”

“Come on then, you sure need your beauty sleep.”

“Piss off.”

Yeah, being a vampire was strange but it certainly wasn’t all that bad.


End file.
